DISASTER CHRONICLES, MORE, OF COURSE

STOP PRESS, OR STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING:

THE RABID BREXITEERS (ONE FOR NOTHING AND NOTHING FOR ONE) HAVE SETTLED ON THEIR POLICY, STRATEGY, TACTICS, GAME PLAN, AND SO ON. HERE IT IS: SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION … SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION … SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION … SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION… SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION. THAT’S IT. THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE. NO OTHER AMMO, NO OTHER ANYTHING. THEY HAVE NOW RENTED A PARROT, A BUDGIE, A MYNAH BIRD AND A DOG THAT HAS BEEN TAUGHT TO BARK THE ABOVE WORDS.

BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TOTALLY STUPID (NOT TOTALLY) THEY KNOW THAT EVERYONE HAS HAD THREE YEARS-PLUS TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT ANY FORM OF BREXIT WILL MEAN. SO EVERY ONE OF THEIR 2016 ARGUMENTS HAS BEEN ROYALLY FUCKED AND ONLY THE THICKEST MUTTS WON’T SEE THIS. UNFORTUNATELY, THE BREXIT CAMP IS WELL-STOCKED WITH THICK MUTTS. SO, SEVENTEEN POINT FOUR MILLION, REPEATED AD NAUSEAM. AND I HAVE REACHED NAUSEAM. SO SHOULD YOU.

First: Writer of this blog realises he has been inadvertently dissing the real Bozo, The Clown, deceased. So now Al B Johnson will be known as The Bullmeister. He realises that he is stuffed, so preps for another go at being Mayor of London why not? Practising on zip line from Number 10 to Number 11. Javid grows hair in order to tear it out. Bullmeister also perfecting knocking over children, wiffing and waffing. Considering several offers of ditch to lie in, die in, cry in, etc.

Next: Trumpo goes up and gives up on the wall on Mexico border – orders US Army to build one around Ukraine, another around House of Reps. Walls ‘R Us. Approaches Vanuatu, Lesotho, Luxembourg, Turks and Caicos, Madagascar, Seychelles for help in getting dirt on Biden, Biden’s son, grandchildren, all Biden relatives and ancestors anywhere. Says Pelosi should go back to where she came from, obviously a Sicilian Mafia Wop plant in USA. Kettles everyone on White House staff in basement. No talking.

Meanwhile: O Jeremy Corby Press sulks. Sees possibility of stashing bike in No 10 slipping away. Says I wanna be PM, I wanna be PM, I wanna be PM! Waaaaa! Queen now hiding in secret Balmoral cellar, says “one will nort come ite until one is sure thet one is nort requaired to have anything more to do with sodding politicians, ever. Ay porx orn orl of them.”

In Japan: All Blacks (these days actually Mostly Blacks, and quite right – world’s best players come from Pacific Islands) now terrified they will lose to Japan in Rugby World Cup. Obviously Japanese rugger buggers must have a secret. Kiwis start drinking sake, eating sushi, wearing kimonos, give up haka in place of mass bowing. Offer to commit seppuku (look it up) if they lose.

And: The Bullmeister says” I, I, I, ahhhh, refuse to y’know, negotiate, speak to, listen to phwaaarg, anyone from the EU. All foreign, ahhhh, bastards, who says that De Pfeffel is German, Dutch, whatever? Clearly Old English from, phwaargh, Sussex, possibly Essex, Middlesex, Wessex, somewhere with, y’know, sex in it. Jacob Rich-Muck agrees, lies down, exhausted.

But: In Number 10, the Conservative Party Gauleiter snarls, spits, scratches, bites, yells, kicks, screams and invents several new oaths. Wears armband with you-know-what symbol. Says ve vill, sorry, we will, heil, I mean the Bullmeister will bemuse, refuse and confuse, protrude and obtrude, reject and eject. He will Generally Elect himself, again decline to deal, shuffle, twist or stick. All cards are on the table, off the table, under the table, near the table. Takes simultaneous phone calls from Tusk, Macron, Juncker, Merkel, etc. As usual, says nothing. Every Court in Britain, including Isle of Man, Lindisfarne, probably, etc., rules that the Bullmeister is a scofflaw. Bullmeister scoffs. Goes to Ireland, scoffs potatoes, Guinness. Told that the Irish PM is the taoiseach. Says “bless you.”

SOMETHING ELSE. GOVE AND FARRIDGE ENTER FROG LOOKALIKE COMPETITION. FARRIDGE WINS BY A SHORT HOP. REAL FROGS IN THE AREA FURIOUS. “NON-FROGS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO WIN AGAINST US, BUT HAVE TO AGREE – WORRYING RESEMBLANCE. HAVE TO..AD MORE CROAK NEXT TIME” (SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?)