DISASTER CHRONICLES, CHAPTER WHATEVER

First: Andrew Marr committed to funny farm – went mad trying to get bozo to speak English. Bozo explains that **** and **** and ********* and **** are perfectly good words and he can use them whenever he likes, but asks what “sorry” means. Manchester residents complain about noise. Investigations disclose source is snoring and raving from Con Party Conference. Bozo complains, “what’s an acuri, ahhh, I, I, I, whaaargh, never heard of, did nothing, went nowhere with ahhh it, er, her, him.” Takes smear test.

Next: Rumours circulate re interim PM when bozo out on his hair. Fifty-three names put forward including Sooty, Dougal, Homer Simpson, Cruella de Vil, Trumpo, Harpo, Chico, Gummo. Miles Jupp front runner, why not? Also Nish Kumar. Farridge, smiling like mad frog, awards Order Of The Swastika to Brexit lout who threw coffee at Remainer. That didn’t Costa lot. Nero percolates furiously while Cafe refuses to serve louts. Starbucks the trend.

And: Meanwhile in Brussels. In Washington DC, rotten impeaches are being thrown about. Democrats in a right pelosi about everything, Republicans in sheep’s clothing. Trumpo holds rally of at least six people, declares triumph, but refuses to go out in high wind. Manufacturer of hairspray runs out of stock. Invitation to Camp David barbeque issued to Isis, Taliban, Al Queda.

Oi veh: Bobo boo-boo bah-bah bibi Notonyourlife annexes everything within reach and without. Builds wall around wife, children, chef, butler, chauffeur, masseur, valet. Declares coalition with himself, fires rocket up opposition. Goes to shul, prays for another war. Why not. We always win, he says.

Also: Trumpo blows his top at BBC re Naga Saga. Athletically staggers after top, glues it back on. Demands to buy BBC, what the hell, my pal Baris, Booris, Burris will sell me UK if I want it. Aghast at fuss over bozo thigh grope. Emits long thigh, sigh, says “Never mind thighs, I go straight for the.”

And then: In Manchester Con party discloses new Irish border idea. Border will be moved to Krykystan in truck with a shillelagh stuck on roof, driver told to say begorrah and bejaysus every ten seconds while drinking Guinness – that’ll do it. Arrives pissed, unloads border. All done. Javid-of-all-trades promises umpteen trillion to everyone in pre-election bribes. Privately explains money will come when bozo touches trumpo for loan under extended WW2 lend-lease. Bozo touches thighs again in relief.

More later, probably.