DISASTER CHRONICLES, NEXT THINGS

Day One: The Mother of Parliaments in the mother of all messes. Distraught Speaker unspoken for, prorogation ruled unlawful, calls for MP’s to come, to go, to reverse, revert, reform and recant. Further calls for the Party parties to be cancelled. Bozo more confused than ever, no longer knows his Ouze from his Elbe, arrives in Bournemouth, Barmouth, Yarmouth and Lossiemouth looking for Con Party party. Find Lab party-by-the-sea, delivers address calling for living it large on funny money. Standing ovation and typo gives him hope for standing election.

Day Two: Bozo, believing himself to be trump, appoints 36 Brexit-favouring judges to the Supreme Court in case Supremes fail to overturn prorog unlawfulness. Told by Prince Philip in words not minced that he can’t. Bozo Sulks, tucks in shirt, declares un-legal kilts illegal. Jacob Rince-Mouth declines, reclines. New timetable for everything announced … on

Day Three: As follows. There will be fifteen amended motions passed, with difficulty and help of sennacot; there will be a referendum before an election, but not before there has been an election before a referendum, unless the EU calls for Juncker to be recalled, renamed and reinstated, but only if the UK Parliament has agreed to hold a referlection or an electerendum, and provided that Scotland’s First Sturgeon agrees to stop fishing for deep-fried voters.

Day Four: Trumpo fires everyone except Pompeo who remains pomped-up. Explains that Bolton was not a bolt-on, in fact a loose screw, says “I ran from I-ran to save America first.” Introduces bun-control in attempt to stop Americans exploding. Nevertheless, orders 8 Very Big Macs. Has them tweet. Does not understand why his Macs will not get Twitter. Suggests that California be put up for auction to rid himself of lousy lefty liberals in LA. Bozo loves California, disappointed that he can’t use E-bay to make a bid. “I, I, I ,I, phwaaa, y’know, believe in, in, in, free trade and ahhhh, trade deals and so forth. We should, ahh, phwaaar, buy back California and so on. We owned it once, didn’t we? Surely.”

Day Five: Ashes fourth Test all over on Day One. Steve Smith makes 4,563 not out, despite desperate England bringing back James Anderson who bowls on one leg and takes 0 for a lot. England bowled out by Dame Edna for 27 and 3. Sir Geoffrey boycotts the test, gives a toss, but roots for Root, arranges a broad for Broad, stokes a fire for Ben, dismisses Buttler’s butler. Burns his hat, offers ashes to Australia as New Ashes, now that the old ones will be permanently in Melbourne.

Day Six: Bozo considers resigning as MP or PM but can’t decide which. Labour Party forces leadership contest by locking O Jeremy in his Corby trouser press. Thirty-seven Lab MP’s put themselves forward, backwards and sideways, with TUC biscuits, but without momentum. Everybody loses.

And so it goes.